roar gone for 6 months. long time isn't it.
life has been a tiring pile of crap and yet i'm still trying to be optimistic through this. i'm not the only person suffering, but i think that i'm the only person who is trying to be optimistic cause everyone else is just like "ugh screw this !^*&$%@" and i'm like "tomorrow will be better :)"
so i've decided to upload a few pictures that i took 2 weeks ago cause i think it felt so peaceful and innocent to me. my cousins' faces! i think these really show how innocent childhood can be, and how powerful love from sisters, and love from a father can be. i miss that though. being able to be part of it, feeling loved and having the time to just enjoy the simple little things in life.
some days i just wonder, and i wonder about my childhood. whether it was enough, whether it was carefree but i realised how i don't want to change anything about it. my parents might have been strict, but without them, there won't be crazy me.
recently, i realised how i really don't know how to open up to someone. whenever someone just feels like he or she is about to get closer, i just push that person away. looking back, i did that to a lot of people. cause what if that person knew everything about me, and suddenly you just stopped getting to know more about each other? everyday will become a bore cause there's nothing to talk about, or just because the more you know someone, the more you find flaws in that person?
this is why i can't consider anyone as my best friend, cause i realised that when i'm in a dilemma, i don't know who to go to, or what to tell that person, or sometimes when i simply need to cry, i just can't cry in front of anyone else cause i don't want them to know that i'm just as fragile as everyone else.
yeah i'm optimistic. yeah i'm cheery. and yeah i always looks happy. which i really do on a normal basis. but just when i'm about to break down, there's no one here just to look after me. no one here just to care enough to tell me that it's okay. i know it's so sad. such as sad post.
everyone has these insecurities, but it's just no one really says it out loud. i'm no intending to say that i am a unfortunate, poor, and pitiful kid, but it's just everyone has their ups and downs. and just maybe when i have my downs, nobody realises and i'm just left alone to cope on my own.
but when you just sit down and start questioning about how much really do you know someone, you will get surprised. that girl who always look happy, might not be happy. that boy who always looks confident, might feel like crap inside. when we strip each other away of our masks, then we question, do we really know that person at all?
life's a little funny in this way. things could be destroyed within seconds, even if it takes a long long long time to create. i hate how i push people away, cause i really really miss these people, i miss talking to them, miss the long pointless talks, and i miss how we laugh and joke about things. but it is true, isn't it? human beings run away when we see that we get too attached, cause we don't want to get hurt. who wants to get hurt? what if things don't go well? what if someone new comes along? you never know, unless you let go of these questions.
just wanted to say this. i know that it's going to take a while and a lot of courage and faith, but maybe someday i will be able to let go of these questions too. but for now, i'm sure that i will be okay alone, and i'm sure that i turn out okay, cause i will always be okay, no matter how long it takes.
on a lighter note, prelims in 2 days! keep calm and make shit happen yo! i hope everything will be just right, and everyone will have the motivation. because we all dream, and we deserve to have our dreams come true!
